Neighbors- I Can Live Without Them!

Chuck's argument for why there is no need to be friends with your neighbors.

By Chuck Nice

Anyone who has children knows that there will be times when you are forced to watch movies that you know you will hate. So when my daughter asked me to watch Deck the Halls (with Danny DeVito and Mathew Broderick), I chalked it up to discharging my paternal duties. The worst part of accommodating your child's viewing choices is that they can never reciprocate. It's not like I can ask my little girl to sit down and enjoy an evening of There Will Be Blood unless I want my wife to make me a living version of the title. If you have children, then you know that Hollywood annually releases a number of movies that you'll have to see because you'll quickly grow tired of hearing "Please, Daddy, please can we see the movie." I'm just grateful that I got to watch it on DVD instead of schlepping my way to a theater and losing two hours of my life that I would never get back. The cool thing about watching this film was I got a chance to spend time with my baby girl and I get to relate it to my life through this blog. I looked for other reasons, but I've flushed better things than this movie.

The movie is set during the Christmas holidays and it utilizes the classic themes of family and love and finding the true meaning of Christmas spirit; but the more important theme, to me, was that of being a good neighbor. Danny DeVito and Mathew Broderick are new neighbors who very quickly learn to hate one another for reasons that truly matter not; and as I watched, I realized that I really don't know any of my neighbors...and I like it! My family and I live in an apartment building where we see the same people every day, we are all very cordial and polite, we all say good morning and good night, we ride the elevator together with minimal awkwardness, and for the most part we wish each other well. But if you were to ask me if I knew any of my neighbors, I would have to say no. None of my building mates have ever been to my apartment nor invited me into theirs. Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining. I think many people know that there's a mighty good chance that the person you live next to may be an anal aperture, so why chance confirmation. I would rather think you a butt wipe than get to know you and remove all doubt.

Now I know what you're thinking: Chuck! That's so jaded and callous. Not so. I have a very loving and close family and a few friends that have been in my life for many years. I just don't have room in my life for any new friends--especially those that I can't escape if things go sour. Imagine if your marriage or live-in relationship hit the skids and then your ex moved in next door. Well, that's what it's like when you don't get along with a neighbor, except that you haven't seen them naked...hopefully. It can be really bad, like the transvestite prostitutes who lived below me when I lived in Philadelphia. They played kung fu video games with the volume blasting until 4 a.m.; you have no idea how disturbing it was to hear "finish him" bellowing from their apartment in the early morning hours. Fortunately, they were evicted once the landlord found out that they were using the apartment as a brothel, and no, I did not rat them out.

In my last entry I told you that I just purchased a home that we'll be moving into soon. I have already met my neighbors and they seem to be very decent people. I plan on being a very good neighbor to them by keeping an eye on their homes when they aren't around, helping them with their groceries, signing for packages when they aren't home, and any other neighborly thing I can do. But I'll be damned if I get to know them.